i’m starting to feel invisible to you.  i’ve been trying so hard to change things around but i feel invisible to you.  i’ve tried so hard to tell you how i feel but i feel invisible to you.  there was a time when i believed but i  believe i was wrong.  the more i want to grow the more i feel invisible.  i’m tried of being a light bulb in a dark room, i need you to turn me on.  my heart has been  lonely waiting for you.  are you ever going to pick up on my sound or am i  drifting like smoke right past you.  i hope you are thinking of me while you stand there selfishly watching me trying to find the floor. i’m dreaming of a place, it’s a place that can only be painted unless you decide to show me that i’m not invisible.  i’m dreaming of a place where i could see you- i can’t see you, don’t you understand? i’m falling without a sound to your ear.  i feel invisible to you.  where are you? i would give anything for you to shine down on me

now you know

are you ever going to put me first or am i always going to be your second hand string (or however that stupid saying goes)? it is a question that has been on my mind.

i’ll write more when i feel like it…i’m going to bed early. hopefully i will be able to relax and wind-down and try not to worry or think too much

i’m tired of being ugly. why am i not pretty like all the pretty girls? how do other people deal with the same problem i have? i don’t know and i don’t know how to deal with it

” I would give anything
for you to shine down on me”

Today i had to work from 10 am to 2 pm , so last night i set my alarm for 6:30 so i could take a shower and what not. Not realizing it my alarm was on Mon-Fri so it didn’t wake me and my mom decided to call my cell phone at 8:40 to get me up. I immediately started to get for work, which took up all the time i had before 9:40. As i was leaving, I asked my mom how I looked and she said fine and what not and she fucking has to ruin the moment by asking me why i hadn’t said “happy mother’s day” yet. If she would have been fucking patient, i was getting it to that. And then yes, i asked, why she said that. She had no right to say it. it totally ruined the fucking moment. i swear, nothing is fucking good enough for her, ever. I was talking her and i was going to say it before i left, like literally, it can out of her mouth before it can out of mine. i am just disgusted by this. even if i didn’t say she should have waited to confront me until after work but she just ruined it by saying it before hand. I got my mom a gift about a month ago and it’s been sitting in my room. After work i decided that i would come home with a bouquet of flowers for her but she’s not home when i here, WTF. now, she is playing this poor me, poor mom game, and she fucking does this all the time. she knew that i would be home around 2 and she not here. so fine, i get the flowers in a vase and make it nice and she still isn’t home yet, so then i call her and fucking guess where she is….at fucking work…and then i ask, why are you there and she said she has work to do…bull fucking ass shit…she doesn’t have fucking work to do…she’s playing this poor me, i’m sad game that she plays. i’m not going to feel sorry for her, she is the one that ruined the day not me, she cannot blame this on me, if she doesn’t, i’m going to blow up of anger, i swear to fucking god. this makes me so damn mad. and she says she isn’t coming home a couple of hours. now what do i do? i have no idea…she left me in a very awkward position

i just talked to my mom and she says that she doesn’t owe me any money..WTF. yes, she does. now i’m never going to get my money back because she says she doesn’t owe me anything. there is no use fighting.  this just makes me so mad that she would do this. i remeber her specially telling me a couple of months ago that she owes me big time. and what about everything i have spent on college? i guess i’m paying for that too.  this isn’t going to work because i don’t even have money. i’m going to get like a $60 pay check tomorrow.  $60 every other week isn’t going to cut it. this blows. i knew this would happen.  i should have written everything down but i shouldn’t have had to do that anyway because she is my mom. i am so frustrated right now, it’s not even funny

today i asked my mom if she would buy me this shirt from urban outfitters that is on SALE and all what she had to say was “you have a job”.  %(&(&@(#@$@#$@$ WTF.  I mean i know that i have a job and everything but 1) i just started and they only have me working 8 hours a week and 2) she hasn’t bought me one piece of clothing for about a year and a half 3) i do a damn lot around here at home…WAY more than the average teenager/young adult. after all, i am 19 and i’m my mom’s chore slave.  I didn’t think it was very fair.  what more do i have to do? honestly, it is just a damn shirt. she buys clothes for herself just about every other week. in fact she has clothes in a bag by the door right now that she wants to return but it has been sitting there for fucking weeks and she won’t buy me a shirt that is on fucking sale.  shall i remind her that she owes me about $1000 anyway? actually…i think that would be a huge mistake, i bet she would get hella pissed off if i ever brought that up.  I do realize that it took me a long time to get a job…and i tried my best in all my interviews they just didn’t seem to like for god knows why.  I wasn’t asking for a lot and it just makes me mad.  and another thing, shall i remind her that she has not paid a cent for my college education…so far i have paid for everything. with my own money.  college isn’t cheap as we all know.  i’m scared that if she hasn’t paid for anything yet, will she ever paid for anything? i don’t know that answer to that and to be honest i don’t want to ask her because i don’t want to get fucking mad at me.  that’s fine if i have to pay for college fine, but a this point in my life i can’t do it all.  I self  esteem has been in the toilet lately because due to various reasons. one is the way i look, my clothes, my hair, my makeup, and fucking acne that won’t ever go the fuck away.  I point is, i’m just so frustrated that she can tell to me to buy a shirt that is on sale with my own after everything that i have done.  I know you are probably thinking…wow, i’m selfish but no. i have done way more then you could imagine

it takes two