today i got the strangest attention from customers a t work. it’s so weird, considering i think i look like shit and i barely got any sleep last night because i wanted to go to santa rosa before i went into work.  anyway, today at work someone told me that i look like keira knightley, which is not unusual or i mean, it is from a stranger.   sure my friends have been saying i look like keira knightley for about 2-3 years now or ever since Bend it like Beckham came out but now people i don’t even know are saying it to me.  i don’t think i look like her at all.  i wonder what the hell i’m not seeing because i’m definitely not seeing it at all.  someone needs to enlighten me sometime because i really really really think i’m unattractive, keira knightley is wayyyy out of my league.  then today some guy at work didn’t have his card so i had to use his ID to pull up his account and i forgot to look at his first name and so i asked and he started laughing at me and i’m like…ok ok…laugh…i’m being a little blond right now and then when he was walking out he asked for my name and said that he would see me again…now that was sooooooo weird.  i don’t know how old he was, probably around 28-32. i thought it was just strange.  and then i was behind the counter helping some guy and he randomly says “nice pants” and i didn’t really know what to say…haha..i just kind of shrugged and said thanks.  and then he’s all like…he have to have a small figure to fit in pants like those…and again i just shrugged and then he said me and his wife has are the same size…WTF…i don’t know what kind of conversation that was but it was pretty weird.  and then like 10 minutes before closing time at work, i was helping some guys and i was walking in front of them and i heard one of them say i was hott…too bad they weren’t hott..haha just kidding.

anyway, i’m not really used to attention and it was really awkward for me today. i don’t know why.  i don’t know how it is for girls who get a lot of attention, like if it gets annoying or if they constantly feed off of it or what? i don’t know.  since i don’t really like the way i look, hopefully i get hotter and start looking a little older considering a lot of people think i look young. even at my work, you  have to be 18 and one of the employee’s thought i was 16.  i don’t know.  i’ll see how much more attention i get.  i know if i play soccer, i will be around guys and athletes all the time at the college, so i have to build some kind of self esteem by then, even tough i don’t need to impress them since i have a boyfriend but as i posted in a previous blog entry, apparently i need to try a little harder.  i wonder what made me look so much more attractive tonight than any other night? i don’t know..but i hope it happens again

i have so many emotions bottled up inside me. the last couple of weeks have certainly not been easy. i just wish i had someone to talk to. i wish i had someone there for me, someone to save me-so to speak. sure i get some release writing it all down but it’s not same and some of my worries should not be published. i’m worried that things aren’t going to turn out ok, sometimes i hate how i can’t see what is going to happen but then, what is the point of life…i might as well just die now and save myself from all the pain i have now and pain the i will endure. i don’t know where i will be in the next couple of day,months, years. i want to change, i know i can change but this obstacle is so hard especially without support. there are millions of people who have it worse than I, and i wonder what they do and how they do it. how does one get by without love? i wish love could bring happiness but that is unfortunately not always the case. as each day passes and as i get older i wonder what my future will be like..where will i go to school and will i pass, who will i be with and who will my friends be, but mostly i think of having a family..something i’ve never had. as fathers day approaches i can’t help but feel mad and sad ..even after 19 years of my father not being there for me…i still wonder about him and wonder why he took my chance to have a father. my mom suffers, i see it, she needs someone as well. the sad part is, is that i’m still a girl. i’m a lost girl inside. i’m a little girl waiting to find myself, waiting for somebody to give me the signal and tell me that i can do it, i can do it on my own.  i never had the chance to grow and be a child, i was alone waiting for my mom or i would foolishly wait for my father, by the end of the day i was always let down, i was on my own with no one to turn to. to this day, i’m still scared of my mom, she was always so strict, i have yet to learn if i will benefit, hopefully it turns out for the best but i’m just not so sure any child should be scared of their parent. i’m ready for a change, a new life-so to speak. tomorrow i don’t have to work and i am going out to try to get myself a job that pays more than minimum wage. if the people i love aren’t willing to help or be with me than i have to do this all on my own-as much as it kills me to say that i would leave, i’m just not happy the way things are now. happiness doesn’t happen just because, it happens for a reason- it happens because of an honest effort. i’m not sure if i will be alright but i know that it is worth a try. i hope i can get up early tomorrow