i lost, i thought i had it but i guess i didn’t. i messed up, somehow, i fucking messed up. i don’t know where to go, i guess i could say i’m lost. where did i go wrong? what the hell happened? i thought i had won

fuck.

so i guess i was kind of stood up tonight..haha or not…i’m not sure what i’d call it. anyway, today is my friend danny’s birthday and he really wanted me to go down and see him and hang out with him because he was having a party at his house because from what he understood his parents would leave for the night. i really had no intention to go down to the bay area at all until he called me last night around 1:30am and guaranteed me that his parents would be leaving and that he would have about 20 people coming over to his house. even while he was telling me about this i still didn’t think i would go but then at the last second he’s like “so what are you doing tomorrow” and i said “i guess i’m hanging out with you”. i don’t really understand what he wants from me. when we were little we were hella good friends and shit and then there was a period where we didn’t hang out and didn’t see each other. this summer when he came up to camp at the lake, he called me and so i said fine i’ll go to lake to hang out and then he wanted me to go again and so i did, and he had a pretty good time until some of the guys started being dickfaces (long story but from what i got out of it, guys just want three things:girl, drugs(any kind), and sex). i wasn’t going to see him on his last day at the lake but he said he wanted to see me so i hung out with his mom and my mom so i could see him again, really nothing happened except for a hug goodbye. after he left we talked on the phone everyday for about 1/2 hour until i left for seattle last weekend and now we’ve been talking off and on. he keeps telling me that he wants to see me and shit but i don’t understand what he wants from me. i’m so confused about how he feels about me. because i said i would call him today to see when i should leave my house for his party and he was golfing so he said that he would call me back and he never called so now i’m here doing nothing when i could have been doing something with somebody else. i am such a fool. it seems like i’m always waiting on guys, no matter who the fuck it is..even my boyfriend. i just don’t understand any of it at all. i’m just tired of guys. where the hell are all the nice guys?