August 8, 2007
Missing Your Love
i’m missing your love everyday! talk to me, tell me everything. do you understand? you’re killing me
I lost
i lost, i thought i had it but i guess i didn’t. i messed up, somehow, i fucking messed up. i don’t know where to go, i guess i could say i’m lost. where did i go wrong? what the hell happened? i thought i had won
fuck.
August 4, 2007
stood up…
so i guess i was kind of stood up tonight..haha or not…i’m not sure what i’d call it. anyway, today is my friend danny’s birthday and he really wanted me to go down and see him and hang out with him because he was having a party at his house because from what he understood his parents would leave for the night. i really had no intention to go down to the bay area at all until he called me last night around 1:30am and guaranteed me that his parents would be leaving and that he would have about 20 people coming over to his house. even while he was telling me about this i still didn’t think i would go but then at the last second he’s like “so what are you doing tomorrow” and i said “i guess i’m hanging out with you”. i don’t really understand what he wants from me. when we were little we were hella good friends and shit and then there was a period where we didn’t hang out and didn’t see each other. this summer when he came up to camp at the lake, he called me and so i said fine i’ll go to lake to hang out and then he wanted me to go again and so i did, and he had a pretty good time until some of the guys started being dickfaces (long story but from what i got out of it, guys just want three things:girl, drugs(any kind), and sex). i wasn’t going to see him on his last day at the lake but he said he wanted to see me so i hung out with his mom and my mom so i could see him again, really nothing happened except for a hug goodbye. after he left we talked on the phone everyday for about 1/2 hour until i left for seattle last weekend and now we’ve been talking off and on. he keeps telling me that he wants to see me and shit but i don’t understand what he wants from me. i’m so confused about how he feels about me. because i said i would call him today to see when i should leave my house for his party and he was golfing so he said that he would call me back and he never called so now i’m here doing nothing when i could have been doing something with somebody else. i am such a fool. it seems like i’m always waiting on guys, no matter who the fuck it is..even my boyfriend. i just don’t understand any of it at all. i’m just tired of guys. where the hell are all the nice guys?
July 31, 2007
Confused
its haunting me. its something that i quite explain or i can i just don’t know how much i am willing to share. its something that i definitely don’t want to keep bottled up inside me, in fact- i can’t keep it a secret. i don’t want this weighing me down like a ton of bricks anymore. i want to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. i’ve been literally waiting for months for hear what i heard, i’ve been waiting to actually feel like a person, someone worth living for. why the change? why now? that is all i ask, why now? so many things are running through my mind and i don’t know what to do. is it worth the wait and worth the pain and go through it all again or should i let myself be free. its not even gaurenteed that everything will be ok in the end. if i let it go now, will i be saved myself? fuck, i was doing well, i was moving on but then at the very last second there is always something that fucking happens.
July 21, 2007
An Old Friend
I’ve recently been re-acquainted with an old friend and to be honest, it’s quit pleasant. I’ve known him all my life. his mother and my mother have been friends since they were 12 years old and they’ve kept their friendship going. i don’t know where my mom’s girlfriends husband is from but he proposed to his wife, right here in my home town, in an old hotel that is unfortunately not up and running. ever since i can remember they have been coming up here to the lake to camp and have fun on their boat. when i was little i would spend the week and camp with them but around the junior high age, i stopped hanging out with them because i was gone or the boys were gone. oh by the way, they have 3 boys, one of which is the one i’m talking about. his name is Danny and he’s a year older than me, Chris is two years younger and Andy is a couple years older. i remember when we were little, we were the best of friends, camping with them was like seriously the highlight of my summer. anyway, i haven’t hung out with them in years and years and so this summer i went and hung out with him and his younger brother and his two friends. being the person that i am, i didn’t say much at all but i still had a really good time. i know that i made Danny jealous by picking his younger brother to be on my volleyball team…haha it was pretty funny and playing volleyball was definitely an ice-breaker. Anyway, so we’ve been talking a lot ever since his camping trip ended and it’s been pretty nice. he used to be like a brother to me…in fact his family is like my family. i remember his dad wanted me to move in with them in high school for sports because he knew that i play soccer, he wanted me to have better coaching or something like that, he was totally serious too because Andy (the older brother) was moving out for college. anyway, it was nice visiting them because they are an amazing family and i’m really glad that me and Danny have rekindled our friendship. i can’t wait for the 4th of August because that is his birthday and he invited to hang out with him and his buddy’s. it’s nice to have an old friend
July 3, 2007
“do you want to do something sometime”
it was pretty cute, a guy yesterday at work asked me if i want to do something with him and asked for my cell phone number…it was pretty cute. i was pretty surprised actually. i thought he was somewhat attracted to me but i didn’t know that he would actually ask for my number and he always tried toalking to me when he came in. i guess yesterday i took him by surprise because when i first started working i worked during the day when he came in but now that we have a new manager i work at nights because that is when my manager schedules me (sucky i know), so i haven’t seen this customer in awhile. yesterday he played stupid and asked me to help him look for a movie..haha. it was so easy to find i could have done it with my eyes closed, seriously. anyway, it was pretty cute. haha
June 30, 2007
unusual attention
today i got the strangest attention from customers a t work. it’s so weird, considering i think i look like shit and i barely got any sleep last night because i wanted to go to santa rosa before i went into work. anyway, today at work someone told me that i look like keira knightley, which is not unusual or i mean, it is from a stranger. sure my friends have been saying i look like keira knightley for about 2-3 years now or ever since Bend it like Beckham came out but now people i don’t even know are saying it to me. i don’t think i look like her at all. i wonder what the hell i’m not seeing because i’m definitely not seeing it at all. someone needs to enlighten me sometime because i really really really think i’m unattractive, keira knightley is wayyyy out of my league. then today some guy at work didn’t have his card so i had to use his ID to pull up his account and i forgot to look at his first name and so i asked and he started laughing at me and i’m like…ok ok…laugh…i’m being a little blond right now and then when he was walking out he asked for my name and said that he would see me again…now that was sooooooo weird. i don’t know how old he was, probably around 28-32. i thought it was just strange. and then i was behind the counter helping some guy and he randomly says “nice pants” and i didn’t really know what to say…haha..i just kind of shrugged and said thanks. and then he’s all like…he have to have a small figure to fit in pants like those…and again i just shrugged and then he said me and his wife has are the same size…WTF…i don’t know what kind of conversation that was but it was pretty weird. and then like 10 minutes before closing time at work, i was helping some guys and i was walking in front of them and i heard one of them say i was hott…too bad they weren’t hott..haha just kidding.
anyway, i’m not really used to attention and it was really awkward for me today. i don’t know why. i don’t know how it is for girls who get a lot of attention, like if it gets annoying or if they constantly feed off of it or what? i don’t know. since i don’t really like the way i look, hopefully i get hotter and start looking a little older considering a lot of people think i look young. even at my work, you have to be 18 and one of the employee’s thought i was 16. i don’t know. i’ll see how much more attention i get. i know if i play soccer, i will be around guys and athletes all the time at the college, so i have to build some kind of self esteem by then, even tough i don’t need to impress them since i have a boyfriend but as i posted in a previous blog entry, apparently i need to try a little harder. i wonder what made me look so much more attractive tonight than any other night? i don’t know..but i hope it happens again
June 28, 2007
Update…i guess
I guess i haven’t written in awhile so i’ll just say somethings now
first, i’m totally dissapointed at myself for not writing this right away and i’m extremly mad that i have forgotten the exact date…perhaps i look at my schedule in the morning and look…anyway, i’ve been closing at work pretty much 5 days a week, yeah, it’s kind of sucky and i don’t know why closing can’t be more evenly dispersed but whatever. anyway, one night last week while i was driving back to work from my lunch break around 9:30, i looked behind and the was a cop and the car behind me pulled over and i’m like “haha” and then the cop kept going and then i’m like “oh dayum” and then i pulled over to let him pass and what not and then he fucking pulls up behind me…and i’m oh shit, i’m going to get a freaking speeding ticket. i rolled down my window and looked out the window, assure myself that he was really after me and he then asked “do you why i pulled you over?” and i’m like “umm, no” and he’s like “you headlights aren’t on” and i’m like WTF, my damn headlights aren’t on. and then of course he had to ask for my ID and car registration..haha i didn’t really know what i was looking for so i just handed him some random paper and asked if that was what he was looking for. anyway, this cop scared the shit out me for not having my headlights on. couldn’t he have like flashed his brights at me or something because i would have gotten it…isn’t that what you are supposed to so anyway…or at least that is what my mom told me to do to someone if they don’t have there headlights on. and it’s nice to know that my town is so courteous…oh wait..not. i must have passed like 30 cars and no one flashed their brights or headlights…how lame. anyway, i totally thought i was going to get a speeding ticket because i was going 32 in a 25 zone….that was pretty exciting and scary. my first time getting pulled over wasn’t too bad. it just think it is funny. hopefully the second time will be for something just as silly. …haha
on monday, i finally went shopping for only some clothes and i think i regret getting them. sure i haven’t been shopping in so long but i can’t help but feel like i shouldn’t have gotten anything at all…expect for what i went shopping for. i don’t really like spending money, especially if it is on myself. but i got two dresses from H&M, one is a casual purple polka dot dress, it’s really cute. the other one is a black knit racerback dress with sequins on the chest and back, it’s pretty hott…the only thing i don’t like is that it is knit. i also, got this shirt thing, that i shouldn’t have gotten but oh well and i got an H&M sweater, it’s pretty basic but i got it because i did. i got a pair of lucky jeans, they were on sale, pretty cool. i guess they fit ok, i don’t really know what the hell i’m going to wear them with but oh well. and thn i got a dress from macy’, it’s pretty cool i guess, it think it’s for older people considering i got it in the “women’s” department but it’s still pretty and it’s a pattern, i might return it though, i’m not sure. that’s about. to be honest, i didn’t have as much fun shopping in san Francisco as i thought. i don’t know why…because i didn’t have much money or because i’m not comforable with my body? i’m thinking it’s probably both. thank goodness i’m not too into shopping, i know i will never be in debt because of it..haha
well, there is probably more i should say but i should be getting to bed now
June 23, 2007
“where are you now”
Calling out your name
Your face is everywhere
I’m reaching out to you
To find that you’re not there
I wake up every night
To see the state I’m in
It’s like an endless fight
I never seem to win
I can’t go on as long as I believe
Can’t let go when I keep wondering
[CHORUS:]
Where are you now, what have you found
Where is your heart, when I’m not around
Where are you now, you gotta let me know
Oh baby, so I can let you go
I can hear your voice
The ring of yesterday
It seems so close to me
But yet so far away
I should let it out
To save what’s left of me
And close the doors of doubt
Revive my dignity
But, I can’t go on as long as I believe
Can’t let go when I keep wondering
[Repeat CHORUS]
I should let it out, it’s time to let you go
Oh baby, I just want to know
[Repeat CHORUS]
Pretty Little Mo 