March 31, 2007
Here’s to the night
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I’m gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here’s a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here’s a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon
All my time is froze in motion
Can’t I stay an hour or two or more
Don’t let me let you go
Here’s a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon
ughhhhhh sickkkkk
my mom’s boyfriend just called me “Meg”. The only people who are supposed to call me “Meg” are my family, and i had two friends that called me that. I hate it. He probably does it because my mom does it. it doesn’t sound right coming from his mouth and from his voice. i hate it. and he also calls me “kid” and i absolutely hate that word. nobody should be called kid, it’s so stupid especially since i’m not a kid and i’m not his kid. ok, well, i was just annoyed for a second because i just got off of the phone with him
March 30, 2007
I want a free Wii
this website uneasysilence.com is giving away a free wii
click here to read all about it
pleassssseeeee give me a Wii!!!!!!!
i don’t know if i did this right but hey, it’s worth a chance to win a wii right?
Macbook works now
for the pst couple of weeks my macbook has been “out” because the power adapter cords frayed. I don’t know why it took me so long to call to get a new one. I guess i realized that i had a lot more time to do stuff because i didn’t have a computer to get on. i hope i don’t spend all of my time on it again. it just shows how much of a life i don’t have. anyway, i finally called two days ago and i already have the new power adapter, apple is pretty speedy and surprisingly i didn’t spend that much time on the phone. i thought i would spend a lot of time, i guess. so, i’m happy i’m finally got my computer working!
I have…
I have a mom who doesn’t believe in me
And a best friend who doesn’t listen
I think i need someone in my life
March 28, 2007
disappear
Sometimes i wish i could just disappear. i can’t really elaborate right now but i’m sure the words come. I’ve been disconnected so many times now, i don’t know what to do and i don’t know what to think. i don’t know what i thinking today, i guess, i just got my hopes up. the day will never come. i should have realized and i should have stopped myself from thinking that i could be apart of something just this once after all this time. that is how i know it will not work. viva forever, you will always be in my heart and you will always put a smile on my face and i will never forget.
March 26, 2007
This Past Weekend
It has been awhile since i’ve posted about a fight between my mom and i. it’s happened again another fight. On SAturday my mom told me that he boyfriend was coming over to spend the night. i didn’t really want him to come over and i made a comment that she should go over to his house like she always does. I don’t know how long or when they started going out but my mom is the one to go over to his house and i’m just not used to him being here. my comment bothered my mom a little bit so i dropped it immeditely. my mom warned me before her boyfriend came over to go downstairs and say “hi” to him and that’s wh she is mad at me because i didn’t “hi”. i’ve never really liked any of the men my mom has dated. she started dating when i was in 2nd grade and also married the guy but then they broke up and she started dating again when i was in 5th grade. i never got used to the fact of having a guy around when i was younger. it didn’t feel right and he wasn’t my father. my father hurt me badly. all i wanted was to be with him and he told me he would be with me but he would never show up but i never lost hope. i believed that he would one day show up and be with me. as time went on he became more and more distant. when men would come over i would always go in my room, which is exactly what i do now. my mom said that i’m a bitch and a horrible person with absolutely no manners and that i avoided everything, Consciously. but i beg to differ, i wasn’t trying to be a bitch and believe me hearing my mom tell me that i’m the worst person in the world is like stabbing a knife in my heart and wiggling it around. i did it, unconsciously. i swear, i did. i know that she doesn’t believe and you might not even believe me, i did not do it on purpose. it feels like i’ve been fighting my mom my whole life. i can’t remember when she has supported me. i can’t remember the last time she told me good job or that she was proud of me. whenever i had a conflict with someone it seemed as though she would always fight for what i was against or what was hurting. she brought me up to be lonely and afraid; mostly afraid of her and what i could become. she’s ruined my confidence; what little of it had, is no longer there. i have nothing. i don’t have family to confide because she has gotten them to say “poor marcella, your child is a bitch, who doesn’t treat you with respect”. i am alone and i am one step closer to shutting my door
for the past couple of weeks i had gotten my hopes up. i thought things were fine and i was thinking about staying here in my home and staying at my local junior college. I thought about taking a break from having no fun and play soccer for the college. last season i decided not to play because i waned to consentrate on having more solid, major based classes. after thinking yesterday and today, i just want to get the hell out of here. i want to leave my mom. i want to do it all i on my own. unfortuanley though i can’t do that. there is no way i’ll be able to pay for everything and i would lose my car. so, my next semesters hopes and plans probably won’t come true. now, it’s on me getting a job and making money to get out of here. i don’t want to be a failure any longer. i’m going to prove my mom wrong. i’m going to show her that i’m strong than she thinks i am. i’m going to show her that it was wrong of her for letting me hide and that it was wrong of her to not introduce to more of life and socialization. I’m going to out into the world without my hand in hers. i have let her guide me for too long. i will go out and get my masters degree and live a good life. when it’s all said and done; i hope that i end up the opposite of what she is. i’ve never had a father and i want a mother who is willing to listen to me
in other news; i should be getting a phone call tonight for a job interview. today i went to a local dog and cat board and grooming place and filled out an application. the owner said she is looking for 3 people to help out with the coming popular vacation season. i’m not sure how much it pays but it’s job. i think the reason why i’m not getting any calls backs is because i don’t have any “job experience” whatsoever. i think this would be a good start. hopefully, she calls me like she said she would. if she does, i go in on wednesday and with assistance i do the job like i would otherwise. she said it’s basically keeping the dog and cat kennels clean and picking up after the animals and bathing them. that doesn’t seem too hard. at least i like animals. if i get one of the 3 positions, i thought i could work there until the summer and get a 2nd job at like starbucks or safeway or something like that because it’s a piece of cake to transfer to get the hell out of here. and i have no idea how to work out the 2 jobs thing but people do it, i’m just wondering how it all unfolds.
March 17, 2007
I’m not a little kid anymore
my mom left the house this morning around 9 o’clock for this study thing to get a ham radio license and around 1 pm, she calls me to “check up” and to clean the kitchen. wow, she does it all the time, in fact almost everyday. i’m getting tired of it. i’m not 2, 5,7,10,12, 14,15, 16……i’m 19 years old. she doesn’t need to check up on me..seriously. she knows that i’m at home probably doing absolutely nothing but she still feels inclined to call. it is just ridiculous. she needs to grow up. she thinks i treat her like shit and demands that i be a sweet angel 24/7. and i have been, i’ve been really good lately. i don’t think that she has yelled at me in a long time. i’m doing it only because i’m tired of her being to damn emotional and i’m tired of her threatening to kick me out of the house. I’m also mad that she had the nerve tell me to clean the kitchen. she is so god damn lazy and doesn’t do jack shit around here and you know what…it makes me not want to clean up either. if she would actually be a normal person and clean up their mess for a half an hour everyday then the house should always be clean…seriously. she straight up told me that i’m the “maid” because i don’t have a job. honestly..i say fuck that. who the hell does she think she is. i have done so much more than she thinks. it just makes me so mad that she thinks of me as the “maid” and then gets mad if something is not done. why doesn’t she take initiative for herself. i’m tired of cleaning up after her. anyway, i’m just mad that she called to check up on me, seriously, she left me while i was still in bed. and the best part is, i think she is mad at me now because she didn’t answer her phone when i called her 10 minutes later. i’m sure going to have fun when she gets home…oh wait…not..i get to deal with an emotional bitch. i hope she is having somewhat of a good time at this study group because i don’t want to deal with her.
March 16, 2007
yesterday
yesterday i woke up at 6:50. I didn’t want get up but i had to because of school. to my surprise i got ready with a half an hour to spare. In Stats class my teacher noticed that i did the whole practice test and asked me to do the longest and most time consuming problem on the board for the class, of course i said sure. When it was time to go to the board, i complained to my friend next to me and she heard me; i was a little embarrassed. Since my problem was the longest i was the last one to finish. The loud mouth in class, who happens to have a little “crush” on me, kept making comments while i was up at the board. Knowing me i didn’t say anything but turn around attempt to find him sitting in the back row and smile. All i have to say is, i hope to god the teacher does not ask me to go to the board again. thank goodness we only have two more tests after this one coming up on Tuesday.
Later after class, i was sitting at a picnic today outside and guess who comes out of the library building with perfect vision of were i was sitting, the guy in my stats class, who has a “crush” on me. I had English with him before i dropped the class. I thought he had a crush on me then but i said to myself “no, i’m sure he flirts with a lot of girls”. when he comes up to the picnic table he asked me why i was sitting there all by myself. i’m thinking oh god, does it look like anybody is around and so what if i’m sitting by my self. before i know it, he’s telling me that he likes me and he was hoping that i didn’t have a boyfriend, he told himself he had a 70-30 percent change that i didn’t. He also told me that when i stopped going to English he was afraid that he wouldn’t see me again. he knew that i was taking stats on Monday’s and Wednesday’s at 12:30, so he started going to those classes but little did he know that i started going to his class and i thought to myself, “where the hell is Kao, he must have another teacher or he dropped”. I was kind of relieved that i didn’t have a class with him anymore because he was so load and annoying but then he finally showed up a week later after going to the other class. He told me he is attracted to me because i have that innocent shy girl look and he couldn’t really explain his attraction. He said his teammates and friends think he is crazy for liking a girl like me because i have “nothing” and no “sex appeal”. when he told me this, my heart sank and i asked “so what, i don’t have any sex appeal because i wear sweatshirts?” and he said yes. hearing this made me want to punch him, run away and hide in a dark room. he doesn’t know that i have really low self esteem. I don’t think i’m attractive at all. and to hear this made me feel ugly and like crap. is everything about sex appeal? i dress partly the way i do because i lack confidence and i’d say another two reasons are, i feel slightly uncomfortable when i look nicer and i don’t necessarily have the money to buy what I want or what is in style. i tend to dress more on the conservative side, yes. maybe i’d dress a little more wild, if i actually liked me body. believe me, i’d rather be wearing something other than a sweatshirt but it’s what i have and it’s my comfort zone. i’m not into looking slutty or wearing things too tight. to be honest, i hate looking at girls boobs and looking at really short skirts and shorts. Some cleavage is fine. but there is no excuse for short shorts and short skirts. i find it offensive and unattractive. and i’m not going to a guy who wants me to dress like that or even a guy who thinks it looks good. oh, since i’m talking about it, i really hate all the slutty “look at me” pictures on myspace.
another thing that makes me depressed talking to him, is that he said he was bored. i’m sorry, but i am shy. i know that i am shy. and he knows that i am shy, that’s why he didn’t leave but he came out and told me he was bored. being shy depresses me greatly and i don’t really know what to do about it. my mom thinks that getting a “social” job will help. but that has gotten me nowhere because i can’t get a stupid job for the life of me. I don’t know why and it’s making me feel like a failure. If not getting hired goes on for much longer, i will have to end up working at wal-mart, if they even hire me.
that was my day yesterday. even though his words hit me like a ton of bricks, i’m glad he said what he said because it is reality and i know that i have to work on my social skills and appearance. i know they won’t be solved tomorrow or next day or the next day but over time. the next time i see him, i want to thank him; i know he will know what i am talking about.
March 5, 2007
girl
there is this girl that i know. we’re not friends but i know about her and she most definitely knows about me. we give each other a bad damn time and i’m not sure why, it is just the way it is. i remember the first time i met her; she gave me a smile and greeted me with kindness and curiosity. the second time i saw her she gave me one of those glares, i knew that we weren’t going to get along. she has been nothing but a cold bitch ever since. i sort of understand why she might have something against me but at the same time it is ridiculous. today i heard something about her and it bothers me. it seems to me that she cares more about being the popular/hott girl than caring for other people. When i say “other people” i mean her family. Her family is close or so it seems and i’ve always been quite jealous. i’ve always felt as if i’ve never been good enough her; in all aspects. all last year in high school, i heard that she is the sweetest thing in the whole wide world but from my experience- i beg to differ. i don’t know what and how i feel about this girl. i always wanted for her to at least to like me but i don’t think that has ever been the case. what i heard today made me sad. her pure selfish ways have gotten in her way. i just hope that she realizes how god damn lucky she is. the clock is ticking in front of her eyes and she doesn’t even realize it because she’d rather go out with friends and get drunk and god knows what. it just kills me inside to hear that she’s “acting up” and being so selfish. i would kill to be her; to live in her shoes. I would like to know what it is like; i’ve never liked my life and she seems pretty damn confident. i always thought she was so perfect except, of course, for the way she treats me with such disrespect but the more i hear about her the less i care for her. i wish her the best and i do hope she realizes that respect can go a long way and being selfish and hanging out with up to no good booze drinking high school girls and boys is just stupid. does she not know that her selfishness is hurting her parents?
Pretty Little Mo 