March 26, 2007
This Past Weekend
It has been awhile since i’ve posted about a fight between my mom and i. it’s happened again another fight. On SAturday my mom told me that he boyfriend was coming over to spend the night. i didn’t really want him to come over and i made a comment that she should go over to his house like she always does. I don’t know how long or when they started going out but my mom is the one to go over to his house and i’m just not used to him being here. my comment bothered my mom a little bit so i dropped it immeditely. my mom warned me before her boyfriend came over to go downstairs and say “hi” to him and that’s wh she is mad at me because i didn’t “hi”. i’ve never really liked any of the men my mom has dated. she started dating when i was in 2nd grade and also married the guy but then they broke up and she started dating again when i was in 5th grade. i never got used to the fact of having a guy around when i was younger. it didn’t feel right and he wasn’t my father. my father hurt me badly. all i wanted was to be with him and he told me he would be with me but he would never show up but i never lost hope. i believed that he would one day show up and be with me. as time went on he became more and more distant. when men would come over i would always go in my room, which is exactly what i do now. my mom said that i’m a bitch and a horrible person with absolutely no manners and that i avoided everything, Consciously. but i beg to differ, i wasn’t trying to be a bitch and believe me hearing my mom tell me that i’m the worst person in the world is like stabbing a knife in my heart and wiggling it around. i did it, unconsciously. i swear, i did. i know that she doesn’t believe and you might not even believe me, i did not do it on purpose. it feels like i’ve been fighting my mom my whole life. i can’t remember when she has supported me. i can’t remember the last time she told me good job or that she was proud of me. whenever i had a conflict with someone it seemed as though she would always fight for what i was against or what was hurting. she brought me up to be lonely and afraid; mostly afraid of her and what i could become. she’s ruined my confidence; what little of it had, is no longer there. i have nothing. i don’t have family to confide because she has gotten them to say “poor marcella, your child is a bitch, who doesn’t treat you with respect”. i am alone and i am one step closer to shutting my door
for the past couple of weeks i had gotten my hopes up. i thought things were fine and i was thinking about staying here in my home and staying at my local junior college. I thought about taking a break from having no fun and play soccer for the college. last season i decided not to play because i waned to consentrate on having more solid, major based classes. after thinking yesterday and today, i just want to get the hell out of here. i want to leave my mom. i want to do it all i on my own. unfortuanley though i can’t do that. there is no way i’ll be able to pay for everything and i would lose my car. so, my next semesters hopes and plans probably won’t come true. now, it’s on me getting a job and making money to get out of here. i don’t want to be a failure any longer. i’m going to prove my mom wrong. i’m going to show her that i’m strong than she thinks i am. i’m going to show her that it was wrong of her for letting me hide and that it was wrong of her to not introduce to more of life and socialization. I’m going to out into the world without my hand in hers. i have let her guide me for too long. i will go out and get my masters degree and live a good life. when it’s all said and done; i hope that i end up the opposite of what she is. i’ve never had a father and i want a mother who is willing to listen to me
in other news; i should be getting a phone call tonight for a job interview. today i went to a local dog and cat board and grooming place and filled out an application. the owner said she is looking for 3 people to help out with the coming popular vacation season. i’m not sure how much it pays but it’s job. i think the reason why i’m not getting any calls backs is because i don’t have any “job experience” whatsoever. i think this would be a good start. hopefully, she calls me like she said she would. if she does, i go in on wednesday and with assistance i do the job like i would otherwise. she said it’s basically keeping the dog and cat kennels clean and picking up after the animals and bathing them. that doesn’t seem too hard. at least i like animals. if i get one of the 3 positions, i thought i could work there until the summer and get a 2nd job at like starbucks or safeway or something like that because it’s a piece of cake to transfer to get the hell out of here. and i have no idea how to work out the 2 jobs thing but people do it, i’m just wondering how it all unfolds.
Pretty Little Mo 