yesterday

March 16, 2007

yesterday

yesterday i woke up at 6:50. I didn’t want get up but i had to because of school. to my surprise i got ready with a half an hour to spare. In Stats class my teacher noticed that i did the whole practice test and asked me to do the longest and most time consuming problem on the board for the class, of course i said sure. When it was time to go to the board, i complained to my friend next to me and she heard me; i was a little embarrassed. Since my problem was the longest i was the last one to finish. The loud mouth in class, who happens to have a little “crush” on me, kept making comments while i was up at the board. Knowing me i didn’t say anything but turn around attempt to find him sitting in the back row and smile. All i have to say is, i hope to god the teacher does not ask me to go to the board again. thank goodness we only have two more tests after this one coming up on Tuesday.

Later after class, i was sitting at a picnic today outside and guess who comes out of the library building with perfect vision of were i was sitting, the guy in my stats class, who has a “crush” on me. I had English with him before i dropped the class. I thought he had a crush on me then but i said to myself “no, i’m sure he flirts with a lot of girls”. when he comes up to the picnic table he asked me why i was sitting there all by myself. i’m thinking oh god, does it look like anybody is around and so what if i’m sitting by my self. before i know it, he’s telling me that he likes me and he was hoping that i didn’t have a boyfriend, he told himself he had a 70-30 percent change that i didn’t. He also told me that when i stopped going to English he was afraid that he wouldn’t see me again. he knew that i was taking stats on Monday’s and Wednesday’s at 12:30, so he started going to those classes but little did he know that i started going to his class and i thought to myself, “where the hell is Kao, he must have another teacher or he dropped”. I was kind of relieved that i didn’t have a class with him anymore because he was so load and annoying but then he finally showed up a week later after going to the other class. He told me he is attracted to me because i have that innocent shy girl look and he couldn’t really explain his attraction. He said his teammates and friends think he is crazy for liking a girl like me because i have “nothing” and no “sex appeal”. when he told me this, my heart sank and i asked “so what, i don’t have any sex appeal because i wear sweatshirts?” and he said yes. hearing this made me want to punch him, run away and hide in a dark room. he doesn’t know that i have really low self esteem. I don’t think i’m attractive at all. and to hear this made me feel ugly and like crap. is everything about sex appeal? i dress partly the way i do because i lack confidence and i’d say another two reasons are, i feel slightly uncomfortable when i look nicer and i don’t necessarily have the money to buy what I want or what is in style. i tend to dress more on the conservative side, yes. maybe i’d dress a little more wild, if i actually liked me body. believe me, i’d rather be wearing something other than a sweatshirt but it’s what i have and it’s my comfort zone. i’m not into looking slutty or wearing things too tight. to be honest, i hate looking at girls boobs and looking at really short skirts and shorts. Some cleavage is fine. but there is no excuse for short shorts and short skirts. i find it offensive and unattractive. and i’m not going to a guy who wants me to dress like that or even a guy who thinks it looks good. oh, since i’m talking about it, i really hate all the slutty “look at me” pictures on myspace.

another thing that makes me depressed talking to him, is that he said he was bored. i’m sorry, but i am shy. i know that i am shy. and he knows that i am shy, that’s why he didn’t leave but he came out and told me he was bored. being shy depresses me greatly and i don’t really know what to do about it. my mom thinks that getting a “social” job will help. but that has gotten me nowhere because i can’t get a stupid job for the life of me. I don’t know why and it’s making me feel like a failure. If not getting hired goes on for much longer, i will have to end up working at wal-mart, if they even hire me.

that was my day yesterday. even though his words hit me like a ton of bricks, i’m glad he said what he said because it is reality and i know that i have to work on my social skills and appearance. i know they won’t be solved tomorrow or next day or the next day but over time. the next time i see him, i want to thank him; i know he will know what i am talking about.

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